C'est simple.

A long December and there's reason to believe...

It is truly astounding to me how fast time as gone. Or maybe it is just that I cant seem to remember much of anything. Especially the order of events in my life, thus far. I feel like it was just Christmas. Which is funny because I dont remember Christmas, or the month of December for that matter.

Michelle and I talked on the phone for a while today. It was nice just hearing her voice. But talking to her also reminds me of some events I wish to forget. This cold weather also does something to me. Its almost as if the cold itself, along with leaves turning ect, says to me "You should be smaller. Remember?" And my body and mind does remember. I think it's because I spent so much time freezing my ass off. I've come to relate cold to sickness. Michelle and I discussed, in terms most dont understand, how everything is going. And, of course, by "how everything is going" i mean, binge/purging? restricting? insulin manipulation? She sounded well. She said she cant remember last Christmas either. well, thats because we were slowly dying this time last year. And that realization alone feels like a punch in the stomach.

"I would much rather explain my inspiration than suffocate."

as i sat my glass down and danced my blues away...

i have no idea where time has gone. It is mid-October. How and when did that happen? Anyways, I guess an update is due:

School is ... incredibly stressful. Its not that I cant do the work. I absolutely can. It is a matter of letting work be a priority. I would rather sit out on the Attic deck and talk till early hours of the morning than be cooped up in the library or my dorm room studying. I spent the first few weeks doing just that. And I was by no means miserable. In fact, I think I kept myself out of trouble that way. Midterm grades just came out and I have a B- in History and French and an A in Political Science. And, although my grades could be better, I am not disappointed. But I know that I do need to step up for the last leg of this semester.

I have been pretty sick the past few weeks. Between bronchitis and pink eye, I've slept a lot more than normal. Which is a really nice change. I think that everyone has had some sort of illness since being here. If not, then that have incredible immune systems. Socially things have been interesting. Most of the people that I spend time around are not from Birmingham. And I like that a lot. The people from around here all seem to be the same.

EL is from Houston, Texas. He is a really incredible guy. Being around is just a huge reality check. Something that I have desperately needed lately. He found out this past weekend that his dad died. I dont know how he is being so strong about it. But it is truly amazing to me. One night he told me that it is weird waking up in the morning and not having to wonder who you know that got killed the previous day. He was in a gang and sold drugs and did all these things. Yet, he has an enormous heart. Its really cool to be around him. Sam is from Boston. He lived in Mexico for two years. I met him about the second week of school and we have hung out a lot since. Zoe is from Atlanta and I have just recently started hanging out with her. She is a parties a TON. But she is sweet. Andrew is from Tennessee. His best friend, Chris, goes to Samford but hangs out here a lot. Andrew is totally whipped by his girlfriend, Molly. It is pretty cute in an incredibly annoying sort of way. Most everyone I hang out with is affiliated with ATO. And I like that. They are all really chill. What is cool is having people right outside your door. That has made an incredible difference is my socialness.

It has been difficult not having Alex around even though we hardly saw one another prior to school starting. She really hates Hollins and was going to try and transfer a few weeks back but has decided to stay up there. I talk to her more now that she is 8 hours away than I did when she was 7 minutes. Its kind of sad. I miss Laura a ton too. I talk to them both regularly. As for Aubrie, she is permanently in Jackson. She is taking classes at the university and has not been in Birmingham in weeks. I miss her a ton. Whats worse is that it is next to impossible to get her on the phone. There have been multiple instances that I just need to talk to someone. Someone who actually knows and understands me. Thats not to say that I am not getting closer with the people on campus, but it is way different when they have not personally experienced your past with you. Aubrie knows. and she understands. And there is tremendous amounts of comfort in that. It gets difficult to see the point in things when I know that all I really want to do is hang out, have fun, help people, experience life. And the schoolwork can definitely get in the way of that.

As far as "the college experience" goes, I have definitely had fun. The first weekend up there that I drank, I was a mess. I threw up in front of Stripland. Good times. I woke up in Henry's bed, with Henry the next day... mmhm. Bid Day was, well, I would say if I could remember. But I dont, at all. Thats where a lot of the drama started. Jacob, an ATO pledge, falls in love with any girl that gives him half the time of day. And I definitely did on Bid Day. It is not a good feeling not being able to remember hours and hours of shit you were doing. I stayed sober the weekend following Bid Day. The next weekend, I kissed Grant. Jacob unfortunately saw. He and Sam (who I have hooked up with and likes me) got incredibly angry. The next day, I was given an ultimatum. Choose on guy or lose both and dont come to the house. So I told Sam that I wanted to try and make things work. Well, I dont know if it was the officalness of it or my personal insecurities. But it lasted less than a week. And he was hurt and even more angry. And I felt terrible. We didnt see one another for three or four days. Then Sunday, we hung out so that I could apologize yet again and try to explain myself. He kissed me. And we ended up going to Bottletree and spending the rest of the evening and night together. And then Monday. And it has been very normal. The way that I would like things to be.

Tomorrow evening is the ATO pledge dance and I am going with EL. Sam has invited a girl that lives on my hall named Kat. I dont know her, but I know that she likes him. And at first I honestly did not care. But the more that I think about it the more I realize how much I care about him. And how much I like spending time around him.

Because of all of the drama last week, I was really unhappy. Like, more unhappy than I have been in a long time. All I could think about was how much I wanted to be out of here. So I started thinking about transfering school. I called Laura for a second opinion and she agreed that I need a change. I just think that I have wasted enough time and been unhappy enough that if I can do something to avoid it now, I should do everything in my power. I'm not saying that Birmingham Southern isnt a good school. Thats not it at all. I just think that it is good for certain people with specific personalities. People who are highly motivated and productive and willing to devote enormous amounts of time and energy to school work. I can do the school work. Its not a matter of capability. I just dont have the motivation to give my every waking moment to classes that I dont particularly care about. I mean, some of the things we talk about are interesting. But when the day is done, I want to be doing something that I absolutely love. Something that makes me incredibly happy and proud. I was telling Sam earlier today that the only thing that would keep me here would be the people. I have made friends that I care about. I think that EL and Sam are my two best friends here. They but up with my shit just enough and remind me its not worth it when I get carried away. They have supported me over the past few weeks even though I have whined and been a general pain in the ass. And they, as well as others, are what would keep me here in Birmingham. Here at BSC.

As far as changing school, I know that I could make those relationships in other places. As much as I deny it, there are good people everywhere. And I know that I could make new friends if I moved. I am really struggling with it. If I do get accepted into Belmont, it would be an incredibly hard decision. Talking to Sam helped though. He said a lot of the same things that Laura did. That Birmingham holds a lot of memories for me. Good and bad. And that I did not get to truly start over because of all the emotional connections to the place. As well as knowing people here already. Despite how little I knew them. The campus is so small that it feels like being trapped in a bubble. And there is no choice but to get in the car and drive somewhere if you want to do anything different. Belmont and Vandy are right next to one another. It is a true college town. The student body is bigger as well. I dont think that there is enough diversity on the BSC campus. I think that in Nashville, especially at a school the size of Belmont, there would be people from all over. I think that there is no question that it would be better for me to be in another city at another school. It all comes down to leaving the people and the relationships that I already have here. And if I feel that it will be difficult now, it will be even more after Christmas.

and hours turned into days...

Well, Today is the second day of class. I feel like I have been on autopilot. Semi-emotionless. Which is an extreme difference to last week. It is weird that I have only been here for six days. It hasnt even been a full week. I think I am trying not to feel something. My eating has sort of gone to shit. But I havent taken the time to acknowledge it or assess it. Maybe I dont want to. Actually, I know that I dont want to.

I am so relieved that orientation is over. Honestly, that sort of left a sour taste in my mouth for a bit. It was awkward and unappealing. I am glad that it will not be like that anymore. And I'm slowly finding more and more people to hang out with. I met this guy last night. His name is (ironically) Sam. He's from Boston and really cool. I couldnt get a really firm grasp on him but, he seems like a potentially cool person to hang out with. Also Megan and I have been hanging out a lot. It is nice to have someone right across the hall that I feel relatively comfortable around. Grace is cool but we are sort of forming our own groups of friends. And that is perfectly fine. Nick is one of Megan's music friends. He is very interesting... and loudish. Also Lindsey is around to hang out with and Mike Popwell. Who I hung out with tonight. I really like him and hope that we get to hang out more. I am gradually meeting people in my classes as well. I know a few people from my french class who are also in my history class. And there is a girl in my poli sci class from my history class as well as a girl from Vestavia.

Today I found out that Alex is coming down for Thanksgiving Break on the TwentyFirst of November. I dont get out of school for the Break until the TwentyFifth. But, that is okay. I will be excited to see her. And she is bringing one of her school friends down.

Next week Aubrie is coming back to Birmingham. Jessica is coming with her but I dont know how long Jess will be here. I honestly can not wait to see Aubrie. I have not seen her in like a month. And it is ridiculous. I miss her tons. Last night we discussed how we could make our dream a reality. That is in our grasp. And that feels good to think about and know. I am so very lucky to have someone as loving and accepting and caring as she is.

My French class is going to be a lot of work only because it is five days of the week. The other two classes at least give me a little more time to prepare for. I think that political science will be very interesting. But the history just intimidated the hell out of me today. The teacher was there when mom and dad where. He is funny but strict. More importantly, the amount of work that is required for the class involves about two hours of studying/homework for every hour in class. So, needless to say, it is going to be a lot of library time. Oh, well. I'm going to be optimistic and tell myself that I can do it. Because, I can. It is not impossible to succeed.

The End and/or The Beginning.

I dont really know what to think. I want to cry more than anything. Which is strange seeing as I have longed for tomorrow since Eighth grade. I guess what makes me confused and emotional is that I have longed for different things with different people. And I have none of those same longings anymore. It is really surreal. Alex is in Hollins. Brooke is in Texas. Two of the most important people that have ever been in my life. And they are'nt here. Well, I guess technically they havent been here in a while. And I think that is my doing.

I'm severely nervous about the orientation. I dont like the schedule. I'm nervous about having a roommate. I'm nervous about having a campus full of people to compare myself to. Aubrie is in Memphis. And I know it is selfish, but I wish she were here. I dont know how I pictured the big "going off to college" but I have a feeling this isnt the way I saw it. Maybe because I always overlooked the painfully awkward moving in process. I am glad that I chose BSC because I think it will make the process easier. It will be gradual rather than immediate. But, at the same time, I am sad that I didnt chose Milsaps because I would have been closer to Aubrie and I would really not know anyone. But, I am definitely working on not being such an open book. I think that would just get me in trouble.

On top of all that, I think I am secretly plotting against myself. The freedom is thrilling and terrifying at the same time. I desperately miss how small I was. And a big part of me contemplates relapsing daily. Maybe not as drastically as before. Actually, I dont think I could get away with that. But, on the other had, I probably could. See, this freedom thing is tricky. Its about "keeping yourself accountable" and "not letting your eating disordered side control your actions." I know all that. And I also know that it is not completely about the weight. A lot of it is because I am stressed out and nervous and overwhelmed. And so I am focusing on my weight more than I should be. It is a reliable distraction. But, I also have to be realistic. I dont think that Treatment Take Two sounds like a very good option.

The weird feelings of "fuck you, Ill show you" and wanting to show people how strong I am; those thoughts have been strong lately. It doesnt help that I know specific dates of people's returns to Birmingham. Sam is coming back October 10. Alex will be back over Christmas Break.... And it is just a mindfuck.

I miss Alex. And I miss Brooke. And I miss the way that they made me feel. I guess it is a sort of mourning what could have been type deal. Which is just lame, lame, lame. But, I guess in the end, without all these emotions and memories, I wouldnt be me. Thats about as optimistic as its going to get.... for now.

Self Sabotage?

I wonder if it is a knowing or unknowing act. I know that for many people, they believe that they will fail, so they do. And for others, they believe that they do not deserve to succeed, so they do not. Then I guess there are those who want out of something or dont want to do something so, their self-attack is thought out, planned and completely on purpose.

Personally, I dont know which is true for me. Maybe, probably all three. And I know that it depends on the situation, as well as, the people involved. Some of it may be cowardly actions. Some of it may be my lack of self confidence and inability to believe in myself.

I guess what I am most confused about is the way in which my self destructive behaviors come about. At first glance, there seems to be no rhyme or reason. But, then I realized that whenever things seem to feel alright or to calm down, I do something to screw it up. Either that, or during times of stress (this week) I do things to distract myself or because I think it will make things "better". Actually that is a lie. I do things because I think that they will make me FEEL better. And is completely selfish. I guess Dad was right.

A million middle fingers.

Okay, I feel kind of bad for having not posted anything in quite a few days. I have officially moved in to BSC. It is extremely weird, fun, terrifying and excited. I'm really ready for classes to start. This orientation process has dragged out quite sufficiently. The have planned events in the evenings that are awkward attempts to get people to meet one another... who would have thought square dancing would be a bonding experience? Not me. I ended up going to the ATO house and watching them play beer pong. Classy. I did see Mike Popwell though. Its been a super long time. He was trashed. But it was cute. And it was nice hanging out with people who have been here and dont seem so freaking judgmental. Maybe that is not the right word. Because I know that everyone is nervous-ish.

I dont feel like I fit in very well with the girls in CD... and the more time I spend with Grace, the more different I see we are. I dont know... It just makes me doubt my ability to make friends or be comfortable in any social situation. Its not that I dont want to meet people. I am just too freaking self-conscious to act normal. I dont even think that makes sense. To sum in up, I just feel misplaced. Like, I dont fit in here... I havent found where I need to be. And I truly hope that it gets better. I think that once I start making friends with the people in my classes it will get much better. Or maybe college isnt the place for me either.

I just dont feel like I belong.

fuck.

Tearing my heart off my sleeve.

First, I'd like to say, Matt Pond P.A.'s CD "The Nature Of Maps" will officially mark beginning freshman year of BSC. I am going to start buying new CD's for every big happening that comes up. I was thinking about how much I associate memories with smells and music. Why not help my memory out? .. Since it is so bad in the first place. Even if I dont remember specific events, at least I will have something to remind me of time periods... or something like that.

Secondly, 500 Days of Summer got me thinking about something else. In the movie, Summer was a very reserved girl who shared personal things with only the people she trusted and cared for the most. I admired this about her. It makes her more interesting. The audience has to continually question what motivates her to do and say the things that she does. So, I wonder when I became this walking open book. I mean, I tell people things that are part of my personal, private life story. And they have no right to know. Maybe it makes me feel more special. More interesting. Or more attention worthy. I dont think that any of these things are true. At least regarding me spilling my guts to random strangers. (thats a bit of an overstatement ... sort of) Why do I do this? Even more, why am I so trusting?

My thought about this is; I absolutely shouldnt be. Being overly trusting in people has gotten me in more emotional, mental and physical trouble than a trapeze artist without a net. First there was Brooke. Not only did I love her, I needed her. She served as something I needed at the time. Something that I still have trouble understanding. Plain and simply, she broke my heart. Again and again. Yet, I continued to trust her. To forgive her. Even when she didnt deserve it. And she abused that little character flaw of mine. And as the saying goes; "Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me." So, I dont completely blame her. I could have stopped it all. But I chose not to. Even though it didnt feel like a choice at the time.

Then there was Alex. And well, plain and simply, I broke her heart. I'm not sure what hurt more. The actual separation of what we were and planned on being, or my utter confusion over what I was doing with what we were and planned on being. She, even more than Brooke, did not deserve my trust. I must give Brooke some credit that, at least while Alex and I were dating, she(Brooke) was honest with me. In fact, she is the reason that I found out about as many of Alex's lies as I did. Anyways, back to Alex. She is one of the biggest reasons that I do not/should not trust people. I loved her. I honestly did. And that love came after the lies and manipulation. The lies that I completely looked over. I guess part of me thought that just maybe she had changed. And part of me knew that she had'nt but wanted to believe that the potential was still there. I'm not really sure what drew me to her. I thought she was more than she was. Not to say that she itsnt an amazing person. Because, truly, she is. But, sometimes when you meet someone, your first impression determines how you view them throughout the duration of the relationship. And I think that, because she knew everyone I did and liked things that I liked, in my mind, she was much more. My belief that she was much more also made me believe that I deserved parts of what happened between us. Like, because she was more, she had permission. I dont know if that makes sense.

What I am trying to say, through all the rambling, is that I do not owe anyone anything. I do not owe them time, explainations, energy, emotion, thought. Nothing, if I dont want to. I'd like to strive to be a mysterious persona of teeth and eyes that keeps everyone curious. If only for my own entertainment. Not in a malicious way, of course. But why not? Why spill your guts? Who knows what that person will turn around and do with it. I'm not saying I will never ever again be emotionally connected or share secrets and thoughts and well, my insides with someone else. BUt, from now on, when I choose to do this, I want it to be someone special. Someone I trust and care about. Because, they are my secrets. And I should protect and treasure them; whatever they may be. It should feel like I am giving someone a gift. Plus, It will give me more time to remember.

The truth is...

Honesty...

It is something rarely found these days. Honesty.

But honestly, i am hardly honest even half of the time.

Not to say that i lie about insignificant things ... much.

More than that, i am not honest with myself.

Which is a confusing way to live.

Honestly ...

I feel like i have insane amounts to grow up before leaving for college. Which is scary. First and foremost, sanity must be obtained. Then a little growing up with a bit of finding myself ... as corny as that sounds. My organizational and time management skills are rarely up to par. And all of this frightens me.

But It will be a new beginning. Honestly, i want to be someone different. The perfect chance to reinvent myself?? I have this bazar image of my ideal self which is far from the person i am today. Who knows if i will ever be this person. Maybe it is too far from me or who i am supposed to be.

Maybe i wont even make it to college. Maybe my heart will stop beating. Right now what i need the most is out of my reach. And this is the saddest thing of all to me. That the choice between my future and my existence depends on something i can not control. Something that is so simple. The solution is clear. But the means of making it work are unseen. Maybe i wont make it out alive after all.