Apr 5, 2009
I would be absolutely thrilled to inform you that I have my shit together ... That my life is planned out and I am confident in the direction that it is taking me. But, that would be one of the biggest lies I have ever told in my 18 years on this earth.
My life and existence, hell, my next 20 minutes are far from planned out. I finally reached the point within the last 3 weeks where I can spout off things I would like to do in the future. I know for certain, well almost certain, that I will be attending college in the Fall. (Pending graduation) But I tend to have this huge sense of anxiety when all this "planning" comes up. Why plan? Why do I need an answer? Why does everything have to have a reason? The answer is: there does not have to be an answer. And this is very hard for me to accept sometimes.
The thing about plans is, the normally change. I would rather worry about the next few hours than the next few weeks. But, as society has it, we are expected to have our futures mapped out from pretty early on in life. It is normal and expected to go to college within 2 years of graduation from high school. Work through college, get a degree, go to graduate school (if necessary) then stick to one boring job for the rest of your existence. I'm sorry. But I refuse. That sounds like a recipe for suicide ... not to be over dramatic or anything.
This is where it gets confusing. As much as i do not want that, I feel obligated to do so. To plan and prepare. Make a timeline, schedule and spreadsheet. I mean, What the hell? And it is difficult to pull my brain away from these thoughts and mental hyper-ventilation.
Over the last month and a half, my mantra has become "Be Here Now" This reminds me to stay in the present. There are so many events, conversations and actions I could dwell on from the past and there is so much to cause anxiety in the future that it is better to stay in this moment. This is not to say that thinking about the future is a bad thing. Because, sometimes it is a very good motivation or importance. But it is also a cause of anxiousness and in my case, insomnia.
So, if I can give my little piece of advice, just be here now. Look around, breathe, enjoy, search for beauty and peace. We only have this once. Take the good, leave the rest.