Oct 13, 2009

as i sat my glass down and danced my blues away...

i have no idea where time has gone. It is mid-October. How and when did that happen? Anyways, I guess an update is due:
School is ... incredibly stressful. Its not that I cant do the work. I absolutely can. It is a matter of letting work be a priority. I would rather sit out on the Attic deck and talk till early hours of the morning than be cooped up in the library or my dorm room studying. I spent the first few weeks doing just that. And I was by no means miserable. In fact, I think I kept myself out of trouble that way. Midterm grades just came out and I have a B- in History and French and an A in Political Science. And, although my grades could be better, I am not disappointed. But I know that I do need to step up for the last leg of this semester.
I have been pretty sick the past few weeks. Between bronchitis and pink eye, I've slept a lot more than normal. Which is a really nice change. I think that everyone has had some sort of illness since being here. If not, then that have incredible immune systems. Socially things have been interesting. Most of the people that I spend time around are not from Birmingham. And I like that a lot. The people from around here all seem to be the same.
EL is from Houston, Texas. He is a really incredible guy. Being around is just a huge reality check. Something that I have desperately needed lately. He found out this past weekend that his dad died. I dont know how he is being so strong about it. But it is truly amazing to me. One night he told me that it is weird waking up in the morning and not having to wonder who you know that got killed the previous day. He was in a gang and sold drugs and did all these things. Yet, he has an enormous heart. Its really cool to be around him. Sam is from Boston. He lived in Mexico for two years. I met him about the second week of school and we have hung out a lot since. Zoe is from Atlanta and I have just recently started hanging out with her. She is a parties a TON. But she is sweet. Andrew is from Tennessee. His best friend, Chris, goes to Samford but hangs out here a lot. Andrew is totally whipped by his girlfriend, Molly. It is pretty cute in an incredibly annoying sort of way. Most everyone I hang out with is affiliated with ATO. And I like that. They are all really chill. What is cool is having people right outside your door. That has made an incredible difference is my socialness.
It has been difficult not having Alex around even though we hardly saw one another prior to school starting. She really hates Hollins and was going to try and transfer a few weeks back but has decided to stay up there. I talk to her more now that she is 8 hours away than I did when she was 7 minutes. Its kind of sad. I miss Laura a ton too. I talk to them both regularly. As for Aubrie, she is permanently in Jackson. She is taking classes at the university and has not been in Birmingham in weeks. I miss her a ton. Whats worse is that it is next to impossible to get her on the phone. There have been multiple instances that I just need to talk to someone. Someone who actually knows and understands me. Thats not to say that I am not getting closer with the people on campus, but it is way different when they have not personally experienced your past with you. Aubrie knows. and she understands. And there is tremendous amounts of comfort in that. It gets difficult to see the point in things when I know that all I really want to do is hang out, have fun, help people, experience life. And the schoolwork can definitely get in the way of that.
As far as "the college experience" goes, I have definitely had fun. The first weekend up there that I drank, I was a mess. I threw up in front of Stripland. Good times. I woke up in Henry's bed, with Henry the next day... mmhm. Bid Day was, well, I would say if I could remember. But I dont, at all. Thats where a lot of the drama started. Jacob, an ATO pledge, falls in love with any girl that gives him half the time of day. And I definitely did on Bid Day. It is not a good feeling not being able to remember hours and hours of shit you were doing. I stayed sober the weekend following Bid Day. The next weekend, I kissed Grant. Jacob unfortunately saw. He and Sam (who I have hooked up with and likes me) got incredibly angry. The next day, I was given an ultimatum. Choose on guy or lose both and dont come to the house. So I told Sam that I wanted to try and make things work. Well, I dont know if it was the officalness of it or my personal insecurities. But it lasted less than a week. And he was hurt and even more angry. And I felt terrible. We didnt see one another for three or four days. Then Sunday, we hung out so that I could apologize yet again and try to explain myself. He kissed me. And we ended up going to Bottletree and spending the rest of the evening and night together. And then Monday. And it has been very normal. The way that I would like things to be.
Tomorrow evening is the ATO pledge dance and I am going with EL. Sam has invited a girl that lives on my hall named Kat. I dont know her, but I know that she likes him. And at first I honestly did not care. But the more that I think about it the more I realize how much I care about him. And how much I like spending time around him.
Because of all of the drama last week, I was really unhappy. Like, more unhappy than I have been in a long time. All I could think about was how much I wanted to be out of here. So I started thinking about transfering school. I called Laura for a second opinion and she agreed that I need a change. I just think that I have wasted enough time and been unhappy enough that if I can do something to avoid it now, I should do everything in my power. I'm not saying that Birmingham Southern isnt a good school. Thats not it at all. I just think that it is good for certain people with specific personalities. People who are highly motivated and productive and willing to devote enormous amounts of time and energy to school work. I can do the school work. Its not a matter of capability. I just dont have the motivation to give my every waking moment to classes that I dont particularly care about. I mean, some of the things we talk about are interesting. But when the day is done, I want to be doing something that I absolutely love. Something that makes me incredibly happy and proud. I was telling Sam earlier today that the only thing that would keep me here would be the people. I have made friends that I care about. I think that EL and Sam are my two best friends here. They but up with my shit just enough and remind me its not worth it when I get carried away. They have supported me over the past few weeks even though I have whined and been a general pain in the ass. And they, as well as others, are what would keep me here in Birmingham. Here at BSC.
As far as changing school, I know that I could make those relationships in other places. As much as I deny it, there are good people everywhere. And I know that I could make new friends if I moved. I am really struggling with it. If I do get accepted into Belmont, it would be an incredibly hard decision. Talking to Sam helped though. He said a lot of the same things that Laura did. That Birmingham holds a lot of memories for me. Good and bad. And that I did not get to truly start over because of all the emotional connections to the place. As well as knowing people here already. Despite how little I knew them. The campus is so small that it feels like being trapped in a bubble. And there is no choice but to get in the car and drive somewhere if you want to do anything different. Belmont and Vandy are right next to one another. It is a true college town. The student body is bigger as well. I dont think that there is enough diversity on the BSC campus. I think that in Nashville, especially at a school the size of Belmont, there would be people from all over. I think that there is no question that it would be better for me to be in another city at another school. It all comes down to leaving the people and the relationships that I already have here. And if I feel that it will be difficult now, it will be even more after Christmas.