Locating the Pieces.

August 17: 452pm

Today has been a complete and utter disaster. I have done absolutely nothing today other than mope and practice terrible eating disordered behaviors, cry and feel sorry for myself. Other than the fact that I should not have weighed myself this morning, I'm not really sure what has compelled me into this state of depressive anxiety. I think the weather has something to do with it. The good news is, I do not have to drag my ass out of bed to go and watch some small, potty-training children in the morning. That is a definite plus to my week.

All I want is to get out of my head, out of this house, into the world. I want to be a speck of sand in the ocean. Fluid, constantly changing, adapting. I want to be. I want to experience. I want to see, taste, smell, experience the wonders that I know this world has. I always seem to be in a different place than these wonders. Or maybe I'm just not very good at looking in front of myself. That must be it.

Maybe all I need is to move, find some sense of myself, remember, write the next great American novel, become famous (not in a "sell-out" sense of the word) retire young, and travel. Okay thats the plan. I'll get right on it.

August 17: 9pm

So, this evening I was reading the Menu For The Future which is required for BSC. We will be taking a class on it later in the Fall. It was discussing how Americans have lost the realization that, because they eat food, they are part of the agricultural industry. The eating is the end of the production/growth process. Americans are, to say the least, uninformed about where they food comes from and what it when through to get to their table ... or t.v. tray. The book also talks about the loss of formality to eating, the loss of customs, personality, preparation... It has all disappeared with fast food, pre cooked, frozen meals of the like. This is incredibly and astonishingly true. Growing up, we sat down to a home cooked meal at least 5 days out of the week. Now, we all eat at separate times, prepare or heat up our own meals.No thought goes into where the food we are eating comes from, how it was produced or processed, and what additions have been put in. Gross. As I was reading this, I thought about the book French Women Don't Get Fat which I was also reading lately. French women eat small, beautiful, colorful portions, they do not go back for seconds, they walk a lot more than most Americans, and most importantly, each meal is something to be savored... as well as the food. They eat slowly and enjoy themselves. It is a family affair which sometimes lasts for hours. Now, how amazing would it be to live in France?

Okay, I realize that America is a relatively new country. It truly is the "melting pot" of the world. But what I dont understand is, with all the different cultures that meshed together how did America end up with absolutely no idea how to fucking feed themselves? There were French, German, Italian, Japanese ... And now a days we rely on McDonalds as our premium nutritional source? It has become acceptable, if not the "norm" to eat in the car, library, shopping mall, in front of the T.V. Really anywhere other than the kitchen table.

Well, I do not believe that this is a sustainable way of life. As proven by the rapid obesity increase over the past decade.

So, what I am getting at is, I realized that I can sit around and bitch and moan and play the "poor, woah is me" act. Or I can discontinue my insane concern with the number on my scale, at least for a while, continue to exercise consistently, feed myself regularly, use food that I am "informed" about as much as possible, prepare my food, sit down, breathe, relax, make it theatrical if at all possible, and for fuck sake, enjoy.

Enjoy. Enjoy? Can I do that? I dont know. I truly have absolutely no idea if I have the capability to "enjoy" what I am eating. Enjoy: to take delight and pleasure in. Can I do that without judging the caloric content or what it might do to my body? What if I took the time to actually enjoy what I was eating rather than over-thinking the entire process. I dont know. But, I'd like to find out. So, for the next 12 days I am going to work on enjoying whatever it is I decide to put into my mouth. I will do it with minimal judgement and analyzing. Because, the truth is, I honestly enjoy foods that are good for me. Fruits, vegetables, nuts, whole grains. I like them. The difficult part will come in with the self-dispisal and critiquing.

In other news, last night Allen treated Stephanie like total shit. And I am a pro at recognizing shitty treatment. Hah. He is selfish and arrogant and purely self concerned. And he hurt Stephanie. She called me on her way home last night and began crying because of it. Tonight, she is acting like none of it happened. She said that they may even have plans after the store closes. This annoys me. Reason one: He is an asshole and does not treat her the way she deserves. He is self-praising in the worst way. Reason two: It reminds me of the way I have been treated in the past. You have a fall out or fight with someone but as soon as they are okay and over it, their world goes back to normal. All is well if they are happy. And you are left picking up the pieces of your soul, heart and emotions. It annoys me because I realize that I let multiple people treat me like this over the years. Not consistently, obviously. There had to be some appeal, some give and take for me to become involved with them in the first place. But, once I became attached and "needed" them, they had the ability to walk all over me while I tell them that I deserve it and beg for forgiveness. How the fuck did I manage that for so damn long?