I'm severely nervous about the orientation. I dont like the schedule. I'm nervous about having a roommate. I'm nervous about having a campus full of people to compare myself to. Aubrie is in Memphis. And I know it is selfish, but I wish she were here. I dont know how I pictured the big "going off to college" but I have a feeling this isnt the way I saw it. Maybe because I always overlooked the painfully awkward moving in process. I am glad that I chose BSC because I think it will make the process easier. It will be gradual rather than immediate. But, at the same time, I am sad that I didnt chose Milsaps because I would have been closer to Aubrie and I would really not know anyone. But, I am definitely working on not being such an open book. I think that would just get me in trouble.
On top of all that, I think I am secretly plotting against myself. The freedom is thrilling and terrifying at the same time. I desperately miss how small I was. And a big part of me contemplates relapsing daily. Maybe not as drastically as before. Actually, I dont think I could get away with that. But, on the other had, I probably could. See, this freedom thing is tricky. Its about "keeping yourself accountable" and "not letting your eating disordered side control your actions." I know all that. And I also know that it is not completely about the weight. A lot of it is because I am stressed out and nervous and overwhelmed. And so I am focusing on my weight more than I should be. It is a reliable distraction. But, I also have to be realistic. I dont think that Treatment Take Two sounds like a very good option.
The weird feelings of "fuck you, Ill show you" and wanting to show people how strong I am; those thoughts have been strong lately. It doesnt help that I know specific dates of people's returns to Birmingham. Sam is coming back October 10. Alex will be back over Christmas Break.... And it is just a mindfuck.
I miss Alex. And I miss Brooke. And I miss the way that they made me feel. I guess it is a sort of mourning what could have been type deal. Which is just lame, lame, lame. But, I guess in the end, without all these emotions and memories, I wouldnt be me. Thats about as optimistic as its going to get.... for now.