Aug 28, 2009

The End and/or The Beginning.

I dont really know what to think. I want to cry more than anything. Which is strange seeing as I have longed for tomorrow since Eighth grade. I guess what makes me confused and emotional is that I have longed for different things with different people. And I have none of those same longings anymore. It is really surreal. Alex is in Hollins. Brooke is in Texas. Two of the most important people that have ever been in my life. And they are'nt here. Well, I guess technically they havent been here in a while. And I think that is my doing.
I'm severely nervous about the orientation. I dont like the schedule. I'm nervous about having a roommate. I'm nervous about having a campus full of people to compare myself to. Aubrie is in Memphis. And I know it is selfish, but I wish she were here. I dont know how I pictured the big "going off to college" but I have a feeling this isnt the way I saw it. Maybe because I always overlooked the painfully awkward moving in process. I am glad that I chose BSC because I think it will make the process easier. It will be gradual rather than immediate. But, at the same time, I am sad that I didnt chose Milsaps because I would have been closer to Aubrie and I would really not know anyone. But, I am definitely working on not being such an open book. I think that would just get me in trouble.
On top of all that, I think I am secretly plotting against myself. The freedom is thrilling and terrifying at the same time. I desperately miss how small I was. And a big part of me contemplates relapsing daily. Maybe not as drastically as before. Actually, I dont think I could get away with that. But, on the other had, I probably could. See, this freedom thing is tricky. Its about "keeping yourself accountable" and "not letting your eating disordered side control your actions." I know all that. And I also know that it is not completely about the weight. A lot of it is because I am stressed out and nervous and overwhelmed. And so I am focusing on my weight more than I should be. It is a reliable distraction. But, I also have to be realistic. I dont think that Treatment Take Two sounds like a very good option.
The weird feelings of "fuck you, Ill show you" and wanting to show people how strong I am; those thoughts have been strong lately. It doesnt help that I know specific dates of people's returns to Birmingham. Sam is coming back October 10. Alex will be back over Christmas Break.... And it is just a mindfuck.
I miss Alex. And I miss Brooke. And I miss the way that they made me feel. I guess it is a sort of mourning what could have been type deal. Which is just lame, lame, lame. But, I guess in the end, without all these emotions and memories, I wouldnt be me. Thats about as optimistic as its going to get.... for now.

No comments:

Post a Comment