Aug 23, 2009

Measure Two.

August 18: 836pm

Tonight we had ACED alumni group. Unfortunately Kendall could not make it but, Michelle, Tamara, Lillian and I had a good time. We talked about having the ability to be social in college. Like, not wearing ourselves out with the nonsense that comes with being around most girls. Tamara decided to drop out of her Greek house because of the social pressure that came along with it. That definitely makes me feel more secure in my decision to NOT go Greek. It may be a good way to meet people and get around campus, but it is not something I am willing to do if I am going to feel scrutinized and and lesser-than ... which is what I feel may happen.

Anyways, we talked about ways to stop and get out of our heads. As in, not over-thinking or worrying to much about one particular thing. Which is definitely a hard thing to do, especially lately. What we came up with were simple, practical things like ... leaving the dorm room (or wherever we are stuck) being around people, exercising, reading (for them, I dont do well with that), calling someone.... mostly it boils down to: not being alone and talking. Michelle has free time between 930 and 1230 and on the days I dont work and she doesnt work, we are going to meet at starbucks of for an early lunch. I think that between class, studying for class, work, appointments and socializing, I will have plenty to fill my time with. And I think that will definitely help the food and weight obsessing. I think that all the negative thoughts and negative energy lately has mostly been due to lack of structure, as well as, lack of human contact. I mean, it does wonders for people (especially me) to be around other people. Whether you know them or not. People desire human contact, it is just the way we are programmed. Now, some desire it more than others, but even the "loaners" need other people around at some point. Fuck, even Allen admitted that he doesnt like being alone. And if that arrogant bastard can admit it, then it must be true for all of the human population. Hah.

So, Alex still hasent called. Which is surprising, even by her standards. Its been alomst 10 days since we talked last. And that conversation was minimal, to say the least. It consisted of her telling me she would not be able to make it to the Augustana concert. I sort of have the feeling that she is waiting on me to call; which I can say; it is very doubtful that will happen. We talked semi-extensively about her lack of consistency and well, flakiness. Our plans falling through became more consistent that us actually spending time together. Which hurts, but is not totally unexpected considering the way things went down Junior year. I did not handle any of that the way I should have, but neither did she. Plus, in my defense, I was every into my eating disorder at the time. Following our break-up, my eating disorder is the main thing that I turned to, as well as Brooke, briefly. I think that is about the time that things took a turn for the much worse. I wanted to prove that I had control over, if nothing else, myself. I wanted to be heard. I wanted Brooke and Alex and everyone else that hurt me to see how much they hurt me... I think. I'm not sure that ever happened. Brooke definitely never understood that maybe, in some way, she contributed to my sickness. But then again, she did not understand that she could have had something to do with TAR either. I remember the day that I started the center, I told her where I was (via Facebook) and what was going on. Her response was in typical Brooke fashion,

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