August 18: 518pm
I was thinking back through the past few years. How little I remember. And how sad that makes me. I remember bits and pieces of 8th grade. Mostly the fights, sadness, getting in trouble and confusion. But I also remember how dependent I was on Brooke. Something I have been feeling a lot lately. Something that I do not enjoy feeling, not just regarding Brooke but, with people in general. And I think my desire to be as independent as I can in the present and in the future, stems directly from what depending on other did to me in the past. It made me hurt more than I can ever put into words. Ultimately it made me sick. But, it also made me the person I am today. Which is, as I understand from others, strong, smart and independent ... for the most part.
I think the desire to be accepted, wanted and approved by Brooke and people like Brooke will always be with me. It will be with me to the extent that I do not not set boundaries and become self-supporting. That is not to say I want to become some cold, hard bitch that can not accept love from others but, that I know where and when to let people get close to me. And the other big part of it is, not letting every damn fool get close to me. Having enough sense to stop, evaluate a person and their actions, and say "hey, emily, this person may not be the best choice of a friend." I have a lot of practice with crazies, I just have to have enough faith in myself that I will pick good, kind, non manipulative people for myself to become emotionally involved with. And I do not mean anything by "emotional" other than; making an effort and giving part of myself to someone in order to have a relationship with them. I believe that when you decide to be friends with someone you have to give them part of yourself otherwise the relationship will never, ever work.