Aug 23, 2009

recovery: life vs death

I dont even know where to begin. I have been in recovery for 4 months. I have gained emotions, thoughts, words, insight, sanity, humility, understanding and 45 pounds. It is a struggle everyday but, it is a struggle I am now willing to face with open arms. I chose life. That is something I think I deserve to feel proud about.

At the beginning of this "adventure" I was terrified. No, I take that back. Numb is a better word. I was too confused and malnutritioned to think or feel. My brain was one tracked. Thoughts that consisted of numbers: calorie counts, pounds, inches. Dont get me wrong, I loved my six pack. But blindness consumed the reality of my situation. Death was looming.

This has been a process. I should say this is a (still) a process. My body will never look the same to me as it does to others. In my mind, I may always be too big. The difference now is, I have things to live for. Things that got lost in this crazy disorder. Before I felt as if I had no choice. As if self-destruction was an obligation. Now, I am sure that everything is a choice. And that in itself is empowering.

So, Hello summer. Hello books, smiles, sunlight, imperfections, music, thoughts, Big Sky granola, aimless driving, college, immaturity, 45 yellow days, coffee cups/Americanos, sarcasm, green eyes, gestures of love, laughter...

It's nice to see you again.

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