Aug 24, 2009

Tearing my heart off my sleeve.

First, I'd like to say, Matt Pond P.A.'s CD "The Nature Of Maps" will officially mark beginning freshman year of BSC. I am going to start buying new CD's for every big happening that comes up. I was thinking about how much I associate memories with smells and music. Why not help my memory out? .. Since it is so bad in the first place. Even if I dont remember specific events, at least I will have something to remind me of time periods... or something like that.

Secondly, 500 Days of Summer got me thinking about something else. In the movie, Summer was a very reserved girl who shared personal things with only the people she trusted and cared for the most. I admired this about her. It makes her more interesting. The audience has to continually question what motivates her to do and say the things that she does. So, I wonder when I became this walking open book. I mean, I tell people things that are part of my personal, private life story. And they have no right to know. Maybe it makes me feel more special. More interesting. Or more attention worthy. I dont think that any of these things are true. At least regarding me spilling my guts to random strangers. (thats a bit of an overstatement ... sort of) Why do I do this? Even more, why am I so trusting?
My thought about this is; I absolutely shouldnt be. Being overly trusting in people has gotten me in more emotional, mental and physical trouble than a trapeze artist without a net. First there was Brooke. Not only did I love her, I needed her. She served as something I needed at the time. Something that I still have trouble understanding. Plain and simply, she broke my heart. Again and again. Yet, I continued to trust her. To forgive her. Even when she didnt deserve it. And she abused that little character flaw of mine. And as the saying goes; "Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me." So, I dont completely blame her. I could have stopped it all. But I chose not to. Even though it didnt feel like a choice at the time.
Then there was Alex. And well, plain and simply, I broke her heart. I'm not sure what hurt more. The actual separation of what we were and planned on being, or my utter confusion over what I was doing with what we were and planned on being. She, even more than Brooke, did not deserve my trust. I must give Brooke some credit that, at least while Alex and I were dating, she(Brooke) was honest with me. In fact, she is the reason that I found out about as many of Alex's lies as I did. Anyways, back to Alex. She is one of the biggest reasons that I do not/should not trust people. I loved her. I honestly did. And that love came after the lies and manipulation. The lies that I completely looked over. I guess part of me thought that just maybe she had changed. And part of me knew that she had'nt but wanted to believe that the potential was still there. I'm not really sure what drew me to her. I thought she was more than she was. Not to say that she itsnt an amazing person. Because, truly, she is. But, sometimes when you meet someone, your first impression determines how you view them throughout the duration of the relationship. And I think that, because she knew everyone I did and liked things that I liked, in my mind, she was much more. My belief that she was much more also made me believe that I deserved parts of what happened between us. Like, because she was more, she had permission. I dont know if that makes sense.
What I am trying to say, through all the rambling, is that I do not owe anyone anything. I do not owe them time, explainations, energy, emotion, thought. Nothing, if I dont want to. I'd like to strive to be a mysterious persona of teeth and eyes that keeps everyone curious. If only for my own entertainment. Not in a malicious way, of course. But why not? Why spill your guts? Who knows what that person will turn around and do with it. I'm not saying I will never ever again be emotionally connected or share secrets and thoughts and well, my insides with someone else. BUt, from now on, when I choose to do this, I want it to be someone special. Someone I trust and care about. Because, they are my secrets. And I should protect and treasure them; whatever they may be. It should feel like I am giving someone a gift. Plus, It will give me more time to remember.

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